What I think

Yeah.. so that weight loss thing? I didn’t do so well the first week. I can attribute it to a lot things: increased hours at work, jacked up schedule for 2 days when Brett worked 3rd shift, etc. I know better though. I didn’t stick to my plan. Hey.. I said I become distracted easily right?

So I took a harder look at what I’ve been eating, how I’ve been sleeping and how often I’ve let myself slip and have something I shouldn’t. My first thought was “screw this.” when I saw I had gained instead of lost any pounds. Then I thought about how I didn’t keep up my end of the bargain so why should my weight comply? So I’m not quitting, I’ll just try harder.

Can I do it? I’ve been overweight all my life. I have a picture of me at 16 looking very small and cute next to a guy friend. I’d love to look like that again. I had just had my tonsils out and hardly ate for 2 weeks…not a healthy way to lose it. I’ve done well with diets before and I know what exercise classes I can really get into (Zumba for one.) but I’m easily distracted. Events with friends, or just wanting time with my family can sway me from going to my workouts. And I really can’t do that anymore.

I’m 36. I weigh 292 lbs. and I’m 5’4”. I’m at the age where it’s getting harder to take it off. My knees are telling me that they can’t continue to support that weight on them. My mom ended up going on disability because her knees got to where she couldn’t work at a job. I don’t want that and I know she doesn’t want that for me. I’ve always taken precautions to make sure my kids don’t start off chubby. I just haven’t taken that time for me.

A year and a half ago, I met a man that completes me and loves me for who I am. A month ago, he asked me to be his wife and next April, we’ll get married. I don’t want to be a fat bride. And you know, my fiance is short like me but I also make up two of him in width. I hate that. It feeds my insecurities. I think he might want someone smaller. I know he doesn’t but my inner freak taunts me with it.

So there it is. I have plenty to motivate me. I want to get it off. I want to feel better about myself and I want to be a fit person for my family. To help get me started, I’ve joined Gain HP from www.scrubclubrecords.com. It’s a lose weight RP game with other people all trying to beat that end boss of Fat Ass. I want people to know what I’m doing so I’ll be more conscious of what I do. I’m striving to eat healthier and exercise more. I’ve joined a gym. And if you’re a friend and you see me wavering from my plan, please remind me what I’m doing. I want the peer pressure!

Here’s to hoping that by this time next year, you’ll see less of me!

I feel sad for no reason. My mind gives me reasons but it’s not things that would normally bug me. I’m cranky that I can’t get my Aion demo to work while my boyfriend happily plays his copy. I’m upset that my sister texted me to say instead of Sunday, she’s popping by tomorrow around noon. You know, the time of day I had planned to do errands and clean up the house for her arrival on Sunday. I hate it that I always feel judged when my family comes to visit. They are all clean freaks and well…I’m just not. I believe a home should be lived in. I do like to have everything spic and span when company is coming though. My family lives in a constant world of neat and I live in clutter. They have forever looked down on me for it. They act like it means I’m not a good parent or I don’t have my priorities in order. It frustrates me. I want to say, “Screw you, it’s my home. Don’t come over if you don’t like it.” I won’t though. I’ll clean like mad in the morning so I won’t have to hear about it later.

And I’m 36. I turned 36 last Tuesday and really, I know it’s not that big of deal but I’m over 35 now. I have no real career to speak of, just one that I’d rather not do. I fight the urge to really try to get my boyfriend to have another kid. Not really because I think we need one. I know I just want to because I’m running out of time to. Sad, huh? And I want to get married. Which I know will eventually happen. We’ve talked about it. I know we both want to. I guess I had just really hoped we’d at least get engaged sometime this month. And I know, I know..patience. Again, 36..never been engaged, let alone married. I’m tired of being a girlfriend with all the responsibilities of a wife and family. It’s ridiculous but I want the damn title. I want everyone to know how much I love him and that we belong together. Ugh. I’m being selfish, insecure and probably just a wee bit immature. Yeah I know. And ridiculous, very…right? Right. Think i’ll go sulk.